Today has been the best....

Today has been the best day ever (not really). It hasn't been bad though. Considering it was the first day back after a week long vacation in paradise, it was the best day of my life.

It seems to me that my life is taking a turn, hopefully for the best. Things are changing. I’m improving on some levels, and other things are just totally jacked up. I’ve been performing nightly as a male stripper at the Boom Boom Room, and my heroine habit is back.

Okay, that was a lie, but seriously, I keep telling myself, “I’m just figuring some things out right now.” But I’m not so sure. I think maybe I already have “figured some things out.” I have quite a bit to learn, but I think I know myself more now than I ever have before. It’s been quite the journey over the past year and a half. I’ve accomplished things I never thought I would, discovered things I never thought I’d find, and gone places I never thought I’d go.

I can’t help but think: Do I really want my old life back? The answer is “no.” NO, NO, NO. I’ve been debating my Spiritual position within myself lately. One part of me would say, “Wow Billy, you need to pray more, get more involved in church, and read through the Bible again.” (these are all good things, but keep listening). The other side, however, says, “This is freedom. This is love...love like I’ve never experienced before. Embrace this. Life is so abundant, so good, so different than it was before, that I can’t possibly conclude that my previous life was more Biblical than my present life.”

Why the hell would I want to go back to a miserable life of guilt, frustration, failure, and confusion? A few thoughts on this:

1.) God is clearly not the author/creator of those things,

2.) It isn’t even remotely logical to remove myself from freedom, only to go back to bondage, so that I can look and act how many people expect me to.

3.) Most importantly, I understand God’s love today more than ever before.


I love God more now than I ever have. Before, He was nothing more than a pattern, just something I did because I didn’t have anything else to do, but I didn’t love Him; I was afraid of Him. Now, He’s real. He’s here with me, and in view of His mercy, I am more in love with God than I ever dreamed I would be. I am by no means perfect, not by a long shot, and I think that’s what makes me love Him that much more. I stopped pretending to be perfect, and started being myself. Only then did God open Himself up to me. I find it very intriguing that my understanding of God’s love increased when the church’s perception of me decreased.

I can never see myself going back to that person I used to be. Life is grand. Freedom is addictive, and Christ’s love is everlasting.


Wow, that turned into a philosophical muse. Enough of that. I’m off to enjoy a tall, cool....soda. :-)